Kayla day 22

It's been a yo-yo day for me today. When the Dr had called me this morning not many big things had changed they had lowered her pressure oxygen to 4. They increased her 26cc's of fluid intake to 28cc's and they are going to increase supplement calories to 24grams. I was told that I might be able to give Kayla a bath today when I had come in. I usually come in around 3p which is when her cares are, but when I had gotten there the nurse had already given Kayla her bath. :( I was able to get over it and move on, I also wanted to let Kayla nuzzle again today as well, but the nurse was in a hurry to get to another baby, (more Dr needs than hers so I understood.) But then I wasn't able to nuzzle with Kayla today either. She had a pretty good (normal) morning/afternoon she is still desating and when I had asked the nurse if she was better today than yesterday she said "no it was about the same." So just knowing this is all normal preemie stuff and that I can't always do what I want to do I went home not feeling horrible just down. But then when I had come in with Mike in the evening we had a new nurse and it just seemed she didn't know Kayla's history as well as I had thought. Kayla was having some bad desats, I again hoped I could nuzzle this evening because I as unable to in the afternoon. But was told I shouldn't because of her desats, the nurse almost didn't want Mike to hold Kayla. But Mike and I know Kayla and this is what she does she desats but she comes back up again. Mike did get to hold her and she still had a few episodes which still scare me even though I know my baby is going to be okay (it's normal) I just wish I could stop it. I hate that I can't be there all the time or have all the nurses know Kayla as well as I do. It's just been a rough day for me today, I cry, I get mad, it's just hard, it's really hard. I wish I still had her inside me so I wouldn't have to go through this...it's just hard. :(
On the positive note today Kayla has made it to 3lbs and not only just 3lbs but 3lbs 1oz, so Mike and I are very proud of her she is gaining the weight she needs. I will just take some prayers for my sanity as we go through this process, I know God won't give us what we can't handle.